Mr. Potter: [to George Bailey] Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me “a warped, frustrated, old man!” What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help. No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin’ but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy.
Mr. Potter: You’re worth more dead than alive!
Do you ever wish that God would just take you out of this world? That maybe, like Job in the Old Testament, you curse
the day you were born? I have and it’s always based on my circumstances. I didn’t know this a long time ago but I do now.
I used to pray pretty often when I was younger that it would be more gracious for God to kill me than to allow me to go on. After all- what had I contributed to anyone’s life that could not have been done by someone else and probably better? I relate to the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life” because it takes things that seem inconsequential and show how they have had huge, unknown impacts.
My struggle with depression is one of circumstances. Like Jimmy Stewarts character I tend to look at what’s immediately in front of me and not those around me. I get tunnel vision and focus only on the problem and the answers seem elusive and hidden from me. I allow stress to blur my thinking and affect me physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is not good considering that both of my parents died “young” from health related problems.
As you may know-I have been dealt several personal losses over the past few years. Depression has had every opportunity to overwhelm me but has not won the battle yet. I do not use medications, therapy or any kind of self medication. I typically pray and think through the situation. I have found that worrying only increases the stress and therefore allows my depression to grow as well.
The revelation I had several years ago about my prayer to die had a twist to it. You see- I don’t really want to die- I love my family and my life. But, I had the thought that maybe I should “die” to my own ideas, self reliance and assurances. I should “die” to how I thought I could work things out and rely fully on God. I believe that the Bible talks about the reality that I no longer live, I have been crucified with Christ.
I do not live in denial (all the time anyway). I do believe that God will always make a way- He always provides. And, if there is no provision then there is a lesson.
The problem is that I do not know how to fully trust God. I worry that He will not come through then I will be both a fool and depressed. The other possibility that scares me just as much is that God may call me to a place I do not wish to go. What happens when we say we will trust God and He sends us, like Jonah, to our “Nineveh”? A place we would not ever go on our own accord- whether it’s physical or emotional?
I know how to sound like I trust God but my actions are much different than my words. I am inspired by people like George Mueller who trusted God literally for his daily bread. I want to be like that and to see all the ways God is working around me. I want to trust in the idea that if I know how to give good gifts to my children then how much more will God give me what I need when I ask. However, I am usually too prideful to ask!
What about you? What triggers your depression? How do you deal with it?