Dealing With Childhood Sexual Abuse-My Story pt. 2

I was 11 years old and going through middle school. On top of the normal things taking place such as liking girls, learning to socialize and just dealing with the hierarchy- I was having to process what was happening during the Scout trips as well. I was alone in this process or at least that’s what I believed. This was the 1980’s and there was no where for a kid to turn in those days. If you think people don’t talk about it now it was really off limits back then.  I wasn’t that into church and didn’t really have any adults that I felt like cared enough about me to share this with.

My dad traveled during the week and we didn’t talk that much about important things when he was home. My mom and I were close but I didn’t want to “ruin” the relationship we had by making her think that I had done something wrong. So, I decided that it was no big deal and that I could just forget about it. My family has a long history of living in denial and I was glad to carry on that legacy.

There were two things that came from me hiding this secret and trying to sort through it on my own. The first one is easy to figure out- depression. I slept a lot during my early teenage years. My parents chalked it up to puberty. There was nothing physically wrong with me and there was nothing that they could pinpoint that would make me depressed. Again, this was the 80’s and doctors didn’t diagnose kids with very much back then. Just the normal “it will pass with time” type advise. Eventually, I did learn to “shake it off” during the day but the darkness would always return at night. I would lay in bed at night wishing I could go back and make it all stop. I would never have gone into that tent. I sure wouldn’t have gone back.

As I mentioned in my prior post this is something that has marked most of my life. I felt “less than” other people. Middle school and junior high would have been brutal enough for me without this happening. This only added to an already insecure middle school kid’s fragile self esteem. I was bullied a ton for various reasons- they must have sensed the weakness and insecurity and it felt like their full bullying attention was aimed at me.

I saw the bullying that I received as re-enforcement that I deserved what had happened to me. This type of thinking was obviously circular and self-defeating. It only lead me to stay in my depression longer. One of the most annoying questions I would receive from people was “Why are you so quiet?” But, I knew that if I had told my friends that I would have been marred for the rest of my middle school and high school career. Reputations follow you throughout and I definitely did not want to be seen as “that kid that got molested” for the next 6 years.

The second thing that happened is that it made me question my sexual identity. Not a good thing when you are in middle school and surrounded by good ole boys in the south who already were threatening to beat you up. It was a real “fear” of mine that if I was allowing this to happen then maybe I wanted it to happen. I spent many nights wondering if I was ever going to feel normal again. I worried that maybe I couldn’t carry on a normal relationship with a girl.

I know many teenagers struggle with their sexual identity in middle school and high school. I have heard the stories and the pain. The world we live in today encourages teenagers to explore every possibility and to not be shackled by traditional relationship ideals. This creates a lot of confusion with no clear direction. But, add to it an abusive encounter right as you are beginning that part of your life and it’s a wonder that I am in a happy, healthy marriage with Karin going on 11 years.

Being brutally honest- I wondered if maybe I was gay because of this experience. I want to be clear- I don’t think that Ron Rice was gay and that’s why he did this. He was a mentally ill individual who molested and raped innocent children. It had nothing to do with his sexual identity. But, I couldn’t have comprehended this at 11 and it did leave me with many questions. But, ultimately I always went back to the fact that I was not turned on by other guys. I was indeed attracted to girls. But, I still had to wrestle with why I was allowing this to happen. Did I enjoy it? Was I just curious? Was I that desperate for an adult to tell me they love me?

All of those questions haunted me until I finally got counseling. I was able to build a healthy relationship with adult mentors. I was able to have a healthy relationship with my dad. I was able to talk with him about important issues and have meaningful conversations. I finally let go of the shame and guilt of what had happened to me and was able to begin walking in confidence. As I mentioned before I began to see my worth and what I had to offer people. I was able to finally accept the grace that I had told so many others about.

I want to end this post with a song from Matthew West called Family Tree:

You didn’t ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It’s your sad reality
It’s your messed up family tree
And all your left with all these questions

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they’ve handed down?

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

I have a dream for you
It’s better than where you’ve been
It’s bigger than your imagination
You’re gonna find real love
And you’re gonna hold your kids
You’ll change the course of generations

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

Cause you’re my child
You’re my chosen
You are loved
You are loved

And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You’re brining new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are

No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You’re brining new life to your family tree now 

This was not my legacy and it’s not yours either. “To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy– to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forever more. Amen!” Jude: 24-25