Dealing With Rape- A Survivor’s Story (Anonymous) pt. 1

This was submitted by one of our readers who wished to remain anonymous.

If you asked anyone who went to high school with me or church youth group how they would describe me, I bet most would use words like-responsible, over-achiever, “good girl”, and square-if anyone uses that term anymore.  I was the one who always raised my hand first when a teacher or youth pastor asked a question, when everyone else was studying the carpet. I was a nerd and my friends were nerds.

I didn’t play sports, but was very involved in choirs at my small Christian
K-12 school and my conservative, large traditional church.  Actually involved is an understatement-I participated in every musical, 2 touring choirs, and was one of the lead soloists. My hard work in school paid off when I achieved becoming Valedictorian of my graduating class-of 30. Okay, not a huge accomplishment. I went on to attend my town’s community college for two years.

During this time, I never dated. I was shy, and boys just didn’t pursue me. In community college, that changed, when a dark haired handsome, young man from one of my classes began attending my church. After hanging out for a while, he told me that he was a Christian, but he had a secret struggle. I thought he might admit the common teen/young adolescent struggles (like defiance of parents, occasionally doubting God, impure thoughts) but he admitted to being a heroin addict, though he had been clean six weeks.

I seriously had no clue about how big of a deal that was. I continued to hang
out-we never even kissed, but I had such a strong desire to have a boyfriend. And,
frankly, I had horrible self-esteem. At that point in my life, no one had really
told me that I was attractive or had made me feel in the slightest desirable. I
also felt he needed a friend. My youth pastor helped Andrew acquire a job at a
local golf course and pro shop, but shortly after that, we found out that
Andrew had stolen items from the shop, and was on the run from the police.
After that, my experience with males (and poor judgment) would not improve for
years until meeting my husband.

Not long after this, my aunt, who lived in a town about an hour away, set me up on a blind date with a Christian, church going, young man. We dated long distance, and I eventually moved to town to attend the university and to be close to him.  Chris was my first boyfriend. We had lots in common, and both of us even wore promise rings.

Unfortunately neither of us stuck to our commitments. We didn’t have sex, but
we dangerously danced around the “point of no return.” We dated for nearly a
year, but with each month, I noticed that he became more verbally and emotionally abusive-the worst part was it was in front of other people. Friends, family-it didn’t matter. It got so bad that his grandmother sat me down, and voiced her concern.

When I didn’t heed her advice to put an end to it, she called my father, and talked to him. Needless to say my parents were at their wit’s end when I got engaged to him at 21 yrs. old. One day, when we were doing our usual “dancing,” he became very forceful, and the line was crossed. I remember thinking that it couldn’t be rape because we were engaged. I blamed myself-it was true that I had placed myself in a compromising situation, so I convinced myself it wasn’t rape. Until I went to class that day, and talked to a friend. He said,”Girl, what you described sounds like rape.” Even with his confirmation of my feelings, I still chose to stay with Chris. After all, I was damaged goods.

It wasn’t until Chris told me that he wanted to date more people before marrying me, that I returned the beautiful engagement ring, dodging a huge bullet.  My parents breathed a sigh of relief.

I confided in a few close friends my mistake of becoming intimate and the rape and of course, I never felt comfortable telling my parents anything like that. Sex was such a taboo subject. My sex education was my mother handing me Dobson’s “Preparing for Adolescence” and whatever was discussed in church group. The guilt I felt about becoming sexually involved with my fiancé, was overwhelming. I had not planned on becoming sexually active prior to marriage, and now I wouldn’t even be marrying him and “correcting” the mistake.

I tried to get back on track by joining a Christian Bible study group at the University. At that time, I developed a huge crush on Greg, who in my mind, was the epitome of what I was looking for-strong in his faith, and an all around good guy. We began dating, but when we began sharing our past, he asked if I had ever been intimate with anyone. I confided that I had been with my ex-fiance. He told me that he was committed to marrying a virgin, which made me feel like scum of the earth.  I was convinced that all Christian guys were looking for virgins, and I began to lower my dating standards.

When my roommate told me about her brother, I was intrigued. Glenn lived out of town, but called his sister often, hoping that I would answer the phone. He was from a Christian family, but he never professed to be a Christian. One weekend, he came to visit his sister and to meet me. He stayed with us, and we spent lots of time together. One night, after his sister went to bed, we began kissing. Before I knew it, he had coerced me into my room. I kept telling him that I didn’t want to go “all the way.” Glenn was over 6 ft, very large, an ex-Marine.

Before I knew it his hands were all over me, and I couldn’t break free. I wanted to scream, but then I thought about how embarrassing to have his sister walk in on us. I quietly begged him to stop, but he didn’t. I felt I had no choice but to close my eyes, and let it happen. After all, I was damaged goods already.

When I told my good friend what happened, she told me that it was rape, and that I needed to go to the college health clinic, and I needed to tell my roommate. That was the most difficult thing-when my roommate Holly heard what her brother had done, she exclaimed,”Oh, no! Don’t tell me this has happened again!” Apparently her brother had a reputation for not taking “no” as an answer from girls he dated though no one had ever reported him. She begged me not to go to the police, and that it would kill her parents.

When Holly was out of town, I told my parents what had happened. They moved me out of the apartment and in with family, and encouraged me to go to the police. I did, but I never pursued it more. The police wanted me to call Glenn, so they could listen in on the conversation, and catch him admitting to the rape. But, I opted not to do it. I was already deserting my roommate, so I wanted to save her family the embarrassment. To this day, I regret that decision. I pray that others did not have to endure what I did…

After that, I was convinced that I shouldn’t expect much when it came to guys. I began dating Kenny, a self proclaimed agnostic, which was fun in a weird way. He challenged me spiritually and philosophically. We became sexually involved, and though I had guilt, at least I felt like I was finally in control.  Kenny was a little too open sexually and it scared me.  I was worried about being involved with someone who had no sexual inhibitions and who didn’t even refer to me as their girlfriend.

This is about the time that I met my future husband. I had gone out one night dancing with a girlfriend (something I was never comfortable doing), and met my husband on the dance floor. He was a free spirit, from a very different family background (one with no moral or spiritual guidance), and we became friends fast. Eventually I left Kenny, and began dating Jefferey. I fell hard for him, and we to had very in depth conversations about God. I knew that if I was going to marry someone, they should be a Christian. However, I didn’t wait  for that to happen prior to getting engaged. I had also not waited to become sexually active.

At that point we were pretty much secretly living together. Again, my parents were unhappy with my decision to get engaged to Jefferey-and understandably so. They encouraged me to get back into church, and to get premarital counseling from a pastor prior to marrying Jefferey. I opened up the yellow pages, found a conservative church similar to mine, and called the church office. They actually allowed me to speak to the pastor, which was amazing! I told the pastor my dilemma, and he encouraged us to start attending his church, and he agreed to meet with Jefferey. We did just that, and before long, Pastor Tim had led Jefferey to the Lord, and he was baptized.

I wish I could say that our lives were perfect from then on but that is not how life usually works…

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This is a forum for everyone to come clean-to be who they really are without fear of shame or judgement. This is a safe place for a community of people to share their real life struggles, fears, pain or questions. This is a mix of people's stories, addressing real issue in real ways and some inspirational writings. This is a Christian based blog that welcomes everyone to join and share in the conversation.
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5 Responses to Dealing With Rape- A Survivor’s Story (Anonymous) pt. 1

  1. B says:

    Thanks for sharing this! Although I wasn’t raped, I was raised in the type of family she was. It was a loving Christian family, but yet strict about things. I was taught too that it was important to wait until you got married to have sex. I even took a purity class making a commitment to wait. But I didn’t really know what I was getting into. I stuck to my decision for quite awhile, until I got into a pretty serious relationship. At the beginning I made it clear that I was waiting, but as time went on and the longer we dated it got harder – physically, spiritually & emotionally. We “danced” around sexually for 6 years. I dealt with the guilt so many times. As we tried to wait we were both hurting each other. I got more insensitive & he got mean with his words. I felt alone in the battle. I felt like no one understood or could help. I even went to the site were I took my purity class hoping to find help & some encouragement on waiting, but all I found was rules and “this is how it is… you need to just do it.” I wish I could say I waited till marriage, but I didn’t. I was able to wait till I got engaged, but no one ever knew my secret. I always thought if they found out, they would hate me or be very disappointed in me. One thing I did learn through all of it is that God loves me no matter what & He understood me. I always knew He was there.

  2. B- Thank you for sharing that story with us! We always pray that God will direct people here who need to read these stories. We know that these are issues that millions of people face but don’t have an outlet to tell their stories. I’m glad you were encouraged by this one.

    Brian

  3. H says:

    I think in the church community, people are so afraid to share when they’ve committed a sexual sin because they fear judgment or criticism of other Christians. I think about “The Scarlet Letter.” There’s almost an irreversible stigma. Even though one can ask God for forgiveness, and commit to staying pure, I think that stigma follows a person who has stumbled. It’s really shame because this is what causes people to keep their pasts to themselves instead of being able to share with others. I know sexual sins among Christians are so prevalent. An outlet such as this within the local church would be great (an outlet to share within minus the criticism/judgement) -small groups that meet, discuss struggles in the area, and members who are accountability partners. Maybe this exists in more contemporary churches, but I’ve never seen it in any of the churches I’ve attended.

  4. Thanks H- I completely agree with you that there are many things that the Church refuses to acknowledge. There are plenty of other places in the world that address these issues that the Church remains silent on. We want Freedom Unearthed to be a website where we can discuss these issues and get everyone talking. It’s definitely a small step but we are meeting with another ministry soon that might allow us to network with churches. There are millions who live in bondage to their secrets- afraid of the perceived stigma. This will be a platform for people to tell their stories – there is freedom and healing in writing them out. We believe that it helps those of us reading them as well. Thanks for stopping by and help us by pointing others this way.

  5. ThisIsGettingOverYou says:

    Thanks for sharing! I have never shared my story fully before so here is goes… I was raped twice, once when I was young and once about two years ago on New Years Eve by my brothers friend who put the date rape drug in my drink. Thankfully, I woke up, managed to escape, and call the police. He went to PRISON after a lengthy year trial. I plea bargained down to GSI because I did not want to go in front of the grand jury as “the 19 year old girl who was drinking with her brother and a bunch of his male college friends” He served 3 months of his 18 month sentence and is now on parole for 5 years. Everywhere I go people talk about it. We are unfortunately from a very small town. There is the church going crowd that of course believes and supports me and of course the bar fly crowd that includes a physically abusive ex of mine that convinces everyone I was “a whore who cried rape when daddy caught me with my brother’s friend” yes. my parents were there that night. they were sleeping. Everyone was over 21 besides me. But they were my brothers friends who had been in our house millions of times. we all trusted each other. which is why I was letting someone get me drinks instead of getting my own in the first place. I feel horrible for what my brother must go through every day now. He must wonder how he was friends with a person who could do such a thing to me…and in our own house. Some of my brothers friends think that the guy who raped me put the date rape drugs in everyone’s drinks in order to get everyone to fall asleep so he could get away with what he was planning to do to me. No one felt good at all the next morning. Everyone was passed out by midnight and we all have a hard time piecing back together some of that night…. sound like the typical college party? the thing was…it wasn’t …we were at my parents house home from college for Christmas break…we all just had a few drinks. Not nearly enough to warrant passing out before the ball dropped, forgetting the night, and being sick all the next day. Because of him New Year’s is forever ruined for me. I have a wonderful boyfriend now who I met about 4 months after the rape… instead of spending new year’s celebrating and being completely happy with my boyfriend I spend it re-living waking up in MY bed with my brother’s friend attacking me then spending all of new years day in a hospital being violated further with questions and rape kits.

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