Rationalizing An Affair- part 2 (The Meet-Up)

You can go back and read the first part of Beth’s story to get the background and understand the people she discusses.

The first year with our new baby, unfortunately, wasn’t all fun and games.  My past was starting to rear its ugly head and it came with a vengeance.  I ended up hitting a breaking point and Greg called a Christian counselor.  I started counseling immediately.  What followed was several months of intense counseling and learning to overcome my guilt, learning to forgive myself, accepting that I wasn’t responsible for what happened, finding intimacy again with my husband and learning to find my identity, not within Bob, but in Christ alone.

Somewhere in the first couple of years of counseling I felt that the only way to move forward and put Bob and the past behind me was to contact him and make him answer for his actions.  I felt it was the only way to find closure.  Somehow I was able to find Bob and Janice and I started emailing them.

Bob and I then started communicating just the two of us and before I knew it, I found myself in the same frame of mind as I was when I was 18yrs old.  Instead of getting the answers I had originally set out to get, Bob had me questioning myself again.  Maybe what happened those 10 weeks in Chicago was something I really did want to happen.  He said he would “never do anything I didn’t want” … but yet, I never really refused – right?

Once again, the mind games and manipulation of emotions started all over.  I ended up engaging emotionally, mentally and after several months of emailing, it turned into phone calls, and eventually we started meeting to see each other.  It was like I was re-living the 10 weeks I lived in Chicago.  But this time it went even further.

It just happened that Bob and Janice had moved from Chicago to Alabama and we weren’t that far from each other.  They had a condo just a couple of hours from where I lived and we had arranged it to meet each other.  We had a handful of meetings at their condo as well as a couple other different places.  When we met for the first time face to face I told him I just wanted to talk – to make him take responsibility for what he did.  But it didn’t exactly go the way I had planned.

By the time our “meeting” was over, more than just talking had taken place – I knew I had become a “consenting” partner.  I knew I had consciously made decisions and those decisions led to sexual intercourse.  For the next several months, we ended up meeting a handful of times and each time I had allowed myself to become physically and sexually involved.  Our “meetings” eventually came to a stop because obviously, this ended up affecting my marriage greatly.

While I was seeing Bob, I had quit going to counseling for a few months because I felt like I wasn’t making progress.  But my relationship with Greg was going down hill and so getting back into counseling was more important than ever.  In total shame and embarrassment I told my counselor everything that had happened and shared with him the emails that had been written between Bob and me.  Did I really think that I had been taken advantage of?  I HAD consented to everything Bob and I did. How could there be any guilt on just him this time?

I was definitely responsible and felt more guilt than ever before.  One thing that my counselor helped me see was from the moment the contact started again, the emotional and mental manipulation started before I could even see it coming.  Yes, I had been a willing partner, but I had somehow regressed back to that 18yr old who wanted to please, who didn’t want him to be mad at me, who wanted his approval … I became totally lost.

Once again, I had to find the ability to forgive myself.  I had a harder time accepting God’s forgiveness.  Even Greg dealt with some guilt and took responsibility for what happened because he wasn’t blind as to what was happening.  In fact, at the time he was afraid to say anything for fear that it would make things even more difficult between us. Somehow in the midst of this twisted situation, my husband loved me enough to stay by my side.  He knew that I was in a dark place and needed help seeing the light.

During my time in counseling I was able to understand what kind of man Bob truly was.  Talking with my counselor and the things that actually took place, I realized Bob was a sadistic man.  It took several months to “re-program” my way of thinking and to see the situation as it truly was.  Bob was a manipulator. He was sick and twisted.  He saw me as nothing but a toy and an object to possess.  I realize that my husband truly loved me unconditionally and I definitely don’t deserve him. But how thankful and grateful I am that God blessed me with this man in my life.

Part three will post tomorrow/Thursday. Also, we will have resources available for help with dealing with an affair in marriage.

© 2011 Freedom Unearthed

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About freedomunearthed

This is a forum for everyone to come clean-to be who they really are without fear of shame or judgement. This is a safe place for a community of people to share their real life struggles, fears, pain or questions. This is a mix of people's stories, addressing real issue in real ways and some inspirational writings. This is a Christian based blog that welcomes everyone to join and share in the conversation.
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